The Book I’m Not Ready to Write

So, I posted on Monday, but I’m pretty sure none of you saw it—it’s somehow disappeared into the nether. I’m guessing this happened because I switched hosting companies and it got lost in the transfer, but I’m also one of those people who tend to see meaning in what happens, and it actually seems really appropriate that the post is gone.

I’ll tell you why.

I’d announced that I was FINALLY starting the serious writing on my next book, had FINALLY completed the outline, and that I would be writing the first words and pages of my first draft that very day (which I did). (YAY! Happy dance!!) I wanted to tell you something about the book, because it means so SO much to me, but I hesitated—wrote a few lines describing it and then promptly deleted them. I thought it was because it was too personal, too close to my heart.

But, really, I think it’s because I wasn’t ready to write that book yet.

And I realized THAT about 24 hours later, which promptly threw me into an enormous panic attack because I’m headed out for a week-long writer’s retreat in Florida at the end of the month and I HAVE TO HAVE SOMETHING TO WRITE WHILE I’M THERE OR IT WILL ALL BE A COLOSSAL WASTE OF PRECIOUS WRITING TIME. Being the homeschooling mom of four young kids who rarely gets several uninterrupted hours to write, let alone a full day, I don’t have time to waste. (Add in the fact that I’ve never left my kids before and am so stressed about them missing me and how long that week will feel to them, as well as that my fantabulous husband has taken the week off from work so I can go…you can imagine the defcon level of my panic at realizing I needed to write some other un-outlined book.)

The book I’m not ready to write is NOT about my brother, but it’s inspired by him. And it’s just too soon for me to write something like that when I can’t even look at his picture or think about him without my throat closing and my eyes tearing up. My original feeling was that now would be the best time to write this story because I want to capture the rawness of losing a sibling to cancer (or for any reason, really). But I’m also realizing four months into life without my brother in it, that this feeling is going to feel fresh for a long time, and that I will fully remember this pain for the rest of my life.

And what I really want to do right now is write a happy book.

I haven’t written anything since John died…at least nothing beyond the 14 page outline of the book I’m not ready to write. ;-) With my heart still so heavy with his passing, I need to focus on happy for a while. And I know he’d fully support that decision—the last time I saw him in person, when I couldn’t bring myself to utter the word goodbye, I was trying to hide my tears from him as I was leaving his hospital room, but he saw them…and he called my name, told me to smile. (And now I’m crying…)

So this book of my heart is going to wait a while. I will write it. I love the story and characters, and I so want to honor my brother (and my undying love for him) with this book.

In the meantime, with less than two weeks to go until I leave for Florida, I’m madly fleshing out another book idea into a full outline. This is a story I’m really excited about, have been wanting to write for a while (so much so, that I already had a partial outline worked out with lots of great story details), and it has an incredibly cool aspect to it. It’s going to be the first in a series of companion contemporary romance novels (one of which will eventually be the book I’m not ready to write).

So, that disappearing blog post? A blessing in disguise.

Have a great weekend, everyone. <3